Phew. Thank God for the good guys. I just received a very frightening bit of mail. In big bold red letters the official looking envelope said, “FINAL NOTICE OF RATE INCREASE.” And beneath that in smaller big type it said, “RE: COLDWELL BANKER MTG.”
I’ll tell you. I tore that letter right open. This could only mean one thing. My mortgage rate was going up for some strange reason. Those scoundrels. And with no warning whatsoever from Coldwell Banker Mortgage.
Inside I found a letter from the FUNDING DEPARTMENT. There was a special code number and a big round emblem, or seal or something very official, all red, white, and blue and surrounding an eagle clutching two American flags in his hands. And the letter itself began, “Dear Mr. Avenger, Your rate and payment may be adjusting soon.”
But then the letter got strange and confusing. My rate wasn’t about to go up. In fact, it wasn’t about to adjust at all, unless I wanted it to, in which case all I had to do was call John Paul at Mortgage Source, LLC, and he would help me adjust my rate downward. That’s right, downward!!!
What a great surprise. It was a sort of nice trick to delight me. All I have to do is refinance with this fine honest American fellow and my rate won’t go up, it will actually go down.
Isn’t it great to know that in times like these with all the greed and dishonesty in the world and so many people out of work and my own financial well-being so constantly imperiled, that John Paul at Mortgage Source, LLC has taken it upon himself to let me know that he can save me money by sending out this one final notice before it’s too late to take advantage of his kindness?
Now I’m sure the cynics out there might consider this a dirty, sleazy trick, and that the Final Notice and all that was a cheap ploy to get me to open the envelope, and I’m sure some people might think that John Paul and people like him are scumbags who will use whatever dirty tactics are necessary to make a buck while not actually offering much in the way of a service and that this sort of dishonest greed is one of the reasons we’re in the fix we’re in, but how else is a good hard working honest American like John Paul at Mortgage, LLC going to get people like me to open the envelope so that he can explain how much he honestly wants to help us?
Sometimes you’ve got to embrace a little sleaze to help your fellow man. And kindhearted honest fellows like John are more than happy to absolutely swim it. For the good us all. And we owe them great thanks for helping to make America what it is today.
